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From the Janitor’s Closet

Jamie Scriber is a Trent student secretly living in a Lady Eaton College janitorial closet, out of preference. They often jokes with his parents about it being fate for them to be a writer, given their last name. Their parents often joke back that they’re ashamed of them.

Between the short weeks of Semester One ending and Semester Two beginning, everyone with apparent access to a thermostat at the University has completely forgotten how heat works. Consequently, classrooms have been ranging from Refrigerated Research to Sahara Study. Dress accordingly. Layered tear-away jumpsuits are recommended, but the University Decency Committee would like to remind everyone that strip-teasing is no longer permitted on campus since Brett started doing it for just anybody.

I would also like to notify you that no one in the Anthropology Department is being cryogenically frozen each night in the storage space behind Wenjack Theatre. The signs are all there, sure, but the evidence is purely anecdotal. The University couldn’t possibly afford a cryo-tank, not with school funds being spent on unnecessary and inconvenient building remodelling, in addition to the costs associated with pretending we have a Mathematics program. It just doesn’t add up. Although there are students enrolled in Math at Trent, they’re on campus for merely a fraction of the time, and only then to reclaim stolen chalkboard turf from rival gangs.

Sightings of these aforementioned Math students are rare, and direct contact rarer, but the scarce data we do have has been collected by dedicated Environmental Science students. No one ever sees them when they’re in their natural habitat, but they’re there, posing deciduously in the Gzowski parking lot marsh. If you see one, pretend that you didn’t and keep on walking. Confrontation with E.S. students can be lengthy and soporific, and degrees aren’t earned by getting nonessential sleep.

Anyone still baffled by last semester’s English Department employee mishap, you are not alone. It has been confirmed by the University that a man wandered onto campus, taught a sizable English class for a day, then continued to do so for the next three months. All final grades for this course are being considered legitimate. Well, as legitimate as any first year English course grade can be.

To anyone in need of crossing the Trent University Faryon Bridge this winter: don’t.

Slippery, impeding, windy, and more chill than your stoner roommate, this bridge offers absolutely zero cover in absolute zero degree weather. Remember, if you start going down on that slick, rigid ice, take as many others as you can with you. Trent University is a place of inclusion, after all.

From now until February 16 don’t forget to enjoy free bottomless coffee around campus, courtesy of the University’s decision to finally give something back to its students. Tuition next year will be raised slightly to cover costs, so don’t put away that Burger King hat just yet. You can be campus royalty but not without breaking either side of the Otonabee’s banks.

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