I woke up in a cold sweat, coughing, as I sat up in my bed. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced over at the digital clock on my night table. My eyes were still too bleary to make out the time, but it must have been late. I rolled back onto my side and closed my eyes again, trying to slip back into sleep. It wasn’t easy; it hadn’t been easy for the past few days. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since the funeral; I just tossed and turned until dawn, nodding off for only a few hours, if I was lucky.
I turned over and replayed the funeral again in my head. When they lowered Zeke into his grave, when I kissed Ally on the bench. The image of that bare tree violently shaking in the wind was stuck in my head, like when you can remember what you were doing when you first heard certain songs.
I sat up and got out of bed, shaking my head as I hobbled down the stairs. I didn’t flip on any lights; I just wandered the main floor of the house. I was staying with my parents until classes resumed for the second semester, their house was like a castle compared to the student housing near the university. Everything was so majestic: the spiraling wooden staircase, the sprawling foyer, the beautifully furnished living and dining rooms. I didn’t notice how wonderful a home it was until I had lived somewhere else for so long. As I putted around the main floor a sense of déjà vu came over me. When you’re not sleeping, the days bleed together and nothing feels real anymore. I putted around in a circle for another few minutes, gazing at the walls full of photos, just a room full of ghosts.
I opened the door to the basement and felt my way down the stairs. The basement was thick and warm, cool moonlight spilled in from the small window near the ceiling. Over at the far end by the bookcases, a lamp bathed the corner in a comfortable orange glow. Ally was asleep on the couch as I made my way over to her, crawling over her and sinking behind her into the couch. I leaned over her and pressed my lips against hers. I could feel her wake and begin to kiss me back. She stretched out over the arm of the couch and shut off the lamp. The cool blue moonlight poured over us as we undressed each other. All I could hear now was the dull clapping of sweaty skin against old leather, moaning as we went. Ally started moaning louder, tightly holding onto the armrest at the end of the couch as though she’d slip off the face of the earth if she let go.
“I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come,” she squealed, the upward infliction in her voice was a huge turn on. My top was about to blow. “I love you,” she moaned, making the dream a reality.
“I love you, Zeke,” I said as we came together, California rest in peace. We laid there together in silence for a few minutes before Ally fell back to sleep. It was only then that it dawned on me what words came out of my mouth. I didn’t miss him, I hated him and wanted his girlfriend, and this was exactly what I wanted to happen. Ally was beautiful, her every curve sculpted with sensuality, almost like some unattainable woman. She was mine, I had replaced Zeke, and it was everything I ever wanted.
