My non-restrictive theory of what makes a healthy relationship
I've recently been working on a theory of close relationships that is disinterested in who is involved in them. My theory instead looks at the forces that move and affect a relationship, and tries to make space for thinking about "desire" as a fundamentally creative and productive act, rather than a drive to fill in something that is lacking. My theory is disinterested in the ego and specific identities, because there is an extent to which every close relationship can skip those considerations and can instead be thought of in terms of a relatedness between two concepts: intimacy and romance. We don't often draw much distinction between these two terms in our daily lives, but if we take some time here, we'll see that maintaining a distinction is useful.
First, some preliminary definitions. By intimacy, I mean the feeling that there are no boundaries between you and your partner(s). It's that feeling of unity with others that brings comfort and a sense of stability to a relationship, that assures you that there is no need to worry about the desires of your partner(s) because your desires are the same. It's "when two [or more] become one." On the other hand, by romance I mean the necessary "gap" between you and your partner(s) that keeps a relationship alive and exciting. Romance is that feeling that energizes a relationship and keeps it growing, that reminds one that there is always more to learn about your partner(s). You and your partner(s) are still, to some extent, mysteries to one another, and this means your relationship is alive with romance!
Intimacy is the unique element in both friendship and sexual relationships because, well, there is more to learn about everyone you know, and hence there is a romance between you and everyone you meet. But the romance of a friendship or a sexual relationship announces itself as a priority, because in such relationships, romance finds itself related to intimacy. Romance only becomes interesting when it is related to intimacy. Romance reminds us that there is more to learn. It makes apparent that our partner(s) are still "other" to us in many ways, and intimacy wants to consume that otherness. In the process, romance becomes amplified. Every friendship and sexual relationship, then, is created and maintained on the basis of a certain relatedness between intimacy and romance. Most relationships, if I may guess, start off in a healthy way. But, if these two concepts become opposed to one another, then a relationship becomes unhealthy and is threatened with death or stagnation. On the other hand, if these two concepts can affirm each other and also maintain themselves, then a relationship can give itself a future.
Say a partner of yours approaches you with something they are very excited about (a new interest, perhaps). They are looking to share their excitement with you, but you find yourself oddly put off by your partner's display. You almost feel threatened by this new addition to the fabric of your relationship with this person, though you can't quite say why. Your partner is disappointed because you did not share in their excitement, and resentment builds. This is a an example of intimacy opposing itself to romance, and thus causing a relationship to become unhealthy. The appearance of an element alien to the already-established boundaries and parameters of a relationship is seen as a threat to intimacy, rather than something to be affirmed or celebrated. In opposing itself to romance, intimacy wants to close the walls of a relationship such that nothing new can enter. It wants to maintain its feeling of comfort and unity at all costs, which means that the new must be denied entry in favour of the already-established.
On the other hand, what happens when intimacy makes space for romance within itself? Instead of playing the role of jealous gatekeeper, opposing itself to everything that is outside of a fixed notion of a relationship, intimacy becomes the proving ground of a relationship upon which romance can enter and prove what it can do. In this scenario, intimacy affirms romance as a genuinely productive drive that opens the possibility of a relationship having a future. A relationship cannot survive simply on the basis of trying to constantly repeat a past or present "ideal" state; it must maintain an openness to the to-come that makes space for new interests, events and trajectories. Instead of opposing itself to the new, intimacy redefines itself as a field within which romance can play. Intimacy becomes plastic, and holds romance within itself without destroying or perverting its function.
A relationship that knows what it is, relegates its own present content to the status of "afterthought." This is because it no longer feels compelled to fill in what is lacking from a specific image of what that relationship ought to be. Instead, because it has its eyes to the new, it has its eyes to the future. Its desire becomes creative because one can never say for sure what it will yield. The healthy relationship becomes, in this image, a space for difference to assert itself without fear of rejection or resentment.
