Welcome to the new academic year! We are truly honoured that our friends at Trent conservatives have chosen Arthur to reveal their new, highly esteemed award for this coming year: the Corey R. LeBlanc Award for Courage and Freedom (please see their article before you read this, this whole article relies on the fact you have read that article). Having frequently smeared us as fake news, we had grown very concerned that there was a deficit in their account labelled “Respect we have for Arthur.” Clearly by choosing these hallowed pages to reveal such an award, we should not have had so many restless nights.
For one moment I will take off my Arthur fedora and exist only as Dan the Man, just so that I for one can say that I am excited by this award. Seeing Corey consistently provoke people on Twitter and then claim injustice to anybody who replies is nothing short of inspiring and indeed humbling. More than once I would find myself pouring through his Twitter feed at three in the morning in my darkened room, warmed only by the sounds of a personally tailored Chris Cornell and The Eagles playlist. While Corey’s plurality of strawmen was protecting him from real debate, these very same strawmen were of great comfort. During these hours I would ponder how I could ever be so courageous. “By golly,” I would often exclaim to nobody, “This man is braver than a soldier or a firefighter.” So strong!!!
It is triply exciting that some conservatives on campus are inaugurating an award for promoting academic freedom and intellectual honesty, because we also have an award to reveal- hazaar!
As a counter-balance – of course to guarantee genuinely free debate just like our comrades- our award will be the Dan and Josh Morrison Award for Cowardice and being a Leftist Sheep, a cowardice that is defined by their courage.This will not be awarded annually but just according to the whims of everybody else. The qualities you will demonstrate include but are not limited to: blindly agreeing with other people who also think it is okay for people to identify however they wish; an ability to invoke George Orwell correctly; and a bunch of other things that would make you ineligible for the Corey LeBlanc award.
If the conservatives wish to celebrate their courage, well then in this peculiar world we will happily take on the role of cowards. While the cons may celebrate courage in the face of “adversity”, we do not. We will celebrate cowardice in the face of the ’inadverse’ conditions of bigotry, transphobia and social injustice.
“But Dan,” I hear you cry, “aren’t they the cowards?” No, dear reader, they are brave: each time they needlessly question somebody else’s life, they are proving their valour, despite the fact that somebody self-identifying as they wish has literally no effect on their own lives.
Are you unable to escape the leftist thought police that demands you shouldn’t give a monkey how people choose to identify themselves? Great! You’ll probably find yourself on our award shortlist at some point.
I cannot emphasise this enough: here at Arthur we love the cowards, we venerate the cowards. Cowards are the type of people who, in response to dumbass ideas and oppression, are completely unable to think outside of broad consensuses about decency and respect which were established over a long period of time by a wide range of people. Neat!
Anyway, back to Dan, co-editor of Arthur. *puts fedora back on*
An award that celebrates a person’s freedom as well as their courage should be encouraged. In eventful times such as ours, we desperately need people full of all the freedom and it is fitting that the Trent conservatives should be the group to host this award: as they are clearly standard bearers for modern conservative thought.
Together, as a group, they maintain a unity of thought, belief and practice to which many political action groups could only aspire.