“Newfangled is No Good”

To the editor of Arthur Newspaper,

I recently picked up the latest issue of Newfangled, and just have to say how deeply and thoroughly offended I am by the whole thing. Titled “GOD IS DEAD,” it boasts about being artsy, intellectual, and avant-garde; all these things make my stomach churn. Condescending is fine by me, but evil is not. Insulting our Lord doesn’t and shouldn’t ever swing on the Trent campus, and I feel obligated to stand up in favour of the majority – the large portion of Trent students who would rather see Newfangled burn than see it put out another issue.

As a regular churchgoer in these difficult times, you’d think I’d be used to the persistent attacks leveled upon us Believers on a daily basis. Whether it is a new affront from Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, or Reddit users with the Dorito dust still caked under their fingernails, I have no trouble arguing in favour of the existence of a casual blaspheming trend. A secular society bent on bending the devout. A war on God.

One would think, then, that I would find no greater issue with Newfangled’s latest edition than with any of the other anti-religious dogmas of the contemporary world. However, this is not the case. Not only does this offence indicate a new low in schools of secular thought, but it also shows me that the battle has finally reached Peterborough. If we are to have any semblance of an appropriate reaction, I believe I speak for all when I say that we should nip this in the bud.

The edition, if you have not already seen it strewn messily about campus, is a sorry excuse for philosophical discussion. Its back flap claims to blend a Bible’s format with some obscure (atheistic, no less) French arts group. Tell me how this garbage has been allowed upon our campus!! Tell me how this is rational discussion!!

It lists five articles on its front cover, but I’m afraid I don’t have the patience to stomach them. Any filth willing to print such a title does not deserve my reading time. I simply will not stand for this intellectual terrorism, and will not have it be present at my academic institution. I write in the interests of calling out the creators of Newfangled: leave now and never come back.

Of course, there is always the counter-argument in favour of that romantic notion of free speech. No man or woman of worth would ever question the right for someone to speak as they please (assuming their words do not infringe on the constitutional rights of another), and I have no interests in forcibly muffling another group of students, no matter how sinful they may be. Instead, I plan to exercise my own right to a single copy of this “GOD IS DEAD” issue, so that I may dispose of it properly. Matches are cheap, and paper is combustible – particularly so when it is already a reflection of somewhere a little more fiery. I encourage you to grab an issue and do the same. Symbolic victory may be the only kind we get in this instance. Enact your God-given right; burn a Newfangled.

Signed,

A concerned Trent student

A Student Belongs in the Classroom, not the Voting Booth

Dear Mr. Arthur & all of your left wing, pinko, bike riding, “student” readers.

I am writing to you as a long time spokesman on behalf of federal, provincial and now municipal “Conservative Interests”.

I read with great distain of your recent pandering to the feeble minded simps who gawp at your cage liner wherein you encouraged them to “get involved” in the upcoming Peterborough election.

Please stop this nonsense immediately! Naturally we encourage those of age to follow their parents direction and vote Blue, but your nannering on about “issues” like snow removal and business planning made me laugh out loud. HA! I laughed, as I read of your idea that newcomers to this fair borough should have any reason to participate in how it is run. Maybe when they are ready to take their grandchildren to the polls, by gum, but not before!

Students’ heads should be full of the Three Rs: Romance, Religion and Respect, not wasting their energy on sticking their noses where they are not welcome. Peterborough is a retirement town and as such should be run by retirees and those who understand the business of politics, Businessmen!

Mr. Arthur, you do a great disservice to both town and gown when you suggest that they co-mingle in the political arena. Trent students blow through town like gusts of manure on the spring breeze. Why even that darling Bon-Bon, Mrs. Patterson understood that and took steps to isolate her brats tuition payers away from the downtown and entrench them in their proper habitat – out near the wildlife preserve. There was a lady with Vision; I tell you, if I was half my age…

In conclusion, Mr. Arthur, as opposed to stirring up trouble all the time and lending false hope and unwanted advice I graciously suggest that you and your Geeks and Greeks stay out of this and other elections, we don’t need hall monitors or chalk-board dusters messing up the well oiled, appropriately slow moving wheels of local politics. STAY HOME and BUTT OUT!

Yours artfully,

Axel Grind; BS, Odour of Canada