Arthur cannot confirm or deny that this illustrates Jamie Scriber's feelings towards Bill Murray. Image via Pride.com, still from Ghostbusters (2016) directed by Paul Feig and distributed by Sony Pictures.

On the night of September 21 of 1788, the Austrian army, comprised of various minorities, attacked itself while awaiting the Turkish forces. After having drank away most of the night, the standing army was met by incoming friendly infantry, who demanded a sharing of the night’s booze. After a scuffle, and a bit of a kerfuffle, a shot was fired as a warning that, goddamn it, give me that bottle right now or else. Hearing the shot, the settled troops assumed the Turks had arrived and began firing at the incoming infantry who were their own men. In the ensuing confusion, it is estimated that anywhere from 150 to 550 men were killed or wounded in battle.

This is not a fact that is helpful to anyone, except for you beautiful history students out there. However, this story of a September battle against one’s own forces is a great metaphor for how the start of the semester is going. You say you’re going to study every night, and oh yeah, definitely going to start that paper before the day it’s due. However your friend invites you out for a few drinks and before you know it you’re struggling to pull up your pants while gunfire sounds around you, and you’re searching for your rifle but you can’t remember where you left it. You’re sure that the man who just shot at you was from the lovely tent next door, but it’s dark and you’re a bit drunk and, ah, to heck with it. You’re fighting yourself. It’s a massacre born of panic and misdirected good intentions, much like showing up to your 8 a.m. class on two hours of sleep, essay in hand, only to discover the class was actually yesterday and you messed up. Maybe next time.

Stories that relate to my tragic life aside, I have great news Trent University! $1.13 million has been donated to our lovely university this year by the ever wonderful Jalynn H. Bennett Foundation. The only catch? We have to “be bold.” The late Jalynn encouraged students to be audacious, effective, to challenge thought and to be brave in the face of adversity. Take that thermos of coffee and charge head first onto the Trent bridge, unshowered, unfed, and unsure of what you’re rushing towards. Be eager, be keen, be everything you don’t have energy for because you’re working two jobs on top of five classes. Be intelligent, be creative, go above and beyond to get that 65% in that course. Maybe eat something other than Kraft Dinner for a night. I don’t know, mix it up. While the money from this donation has already been divided up amongst Trent projects, I have some ideas of my own for that dough.

Free coffee all year round. Free menstruation products for people with hoo-has. Hire a few more therapy counsellors, maybe ones that don’t probe me about my Bill Murray sex dreams. Construct a building that is just full of couches and adoptable cats, where students can go during their spare time to de-stress. Free water pistols to fire at students who are pissing you off. Free bags of Lego to chuck at people. Maybe we could even spring for a library that’s actually open. Oh.

And finally, complimentary vibrators in every orientation bag. Some universities already giving out condoms and lube, why not give something really useful? I know all you youngins are excited about discovering yourselves, but 18-year-olds really don’t know their way around all the pleasure holes. I got you, babes. Slip a vibrator into a grab bag, maybe a diagram for where it can go, and we’re golden. But really, that money is not going to buy us vibrators, so maybe we should fundraise for it. We could call it the “Sex Drive” and raise cash for unattended genitals all over campus. Remember folks, we have to be bold. Have the audacity to take care of yourself.

Anyway, that’s it from me. Good luck finishing the first month of school, kids. Be kind to yourself and even kinder to the sugar daddies I know you’ll all be looking for in the next few weeks. Shit’s expensive, but you get a shiny piece of paper at the end of it. Hang onto your dreams. Especially the ones about sexy ghostbusters. Murray, baby, you can bust my ghost any day.