The Bowlcut: Doug Ford to Cut Throats of Ontario Students Next

Photo by Jose Francisco Morales on Unsplash.

Doug Ford announced this morning, after reforming and slashing OSAP funding to thousands of Ontario students last week, that he would go ahead with his new cost-cutting idea and slash their throats next.

Having been quoted as calling Ontario students “weak-willed” and “little snowflakes,” Ford’s new plan aims to show just how thin-skinned the university population really is by cutting through their skin “like butter.”

Ford did clarify one aspect of his new plan, stating, “It’s not the STEM majors we’re worried about, but the humanities and social science students. They’ve become such a burden that we see no other solution to this problem.”

After hearing the news, OSAP and non-OSAP students alike protested in Queen’s Park. Some of them were reassured, however, by the clarification that “those that can pay their own way have little to fear.”

“We’re only talking about a limb or an extremity for those lovely, self-sufficient individuals,” Minister of Training, Colleges and Universities Merrilee Fullerton explained as she pulled on sterile gloves.

Soon afterwards, however, a grand gesture was made on the part of the Premier as a guillotine was trotted out in front of the protestors, pushed along by a man wearing an executioner’s hood.

While it is unclear which Netflix true crime documentary he got his inspiration from, his new policy can be summed up most aptly in his own words: “We’re going for the jugular, that’s all there is to it. Plain and simple.”

Low-income Ontario students continue to protest in defiance of this barbaric legislation, but Ford is not one to budge. While some students protest in fear, others are taking it in stride.

An anonymous local student was quoted as stating, “I’ve always wanted to end it all. Now, I don’t have to make the choice on my own. It’s a relief, honestly – although I will miss my parents’ basement.”

One concession that Ford has made, however, is the ability to choose. No, not regarding women’s bodies, but regarding the cause of death.

“Listen,” he croaked, “If they want to die by gunfire, electric chair, or poison, I don’t care. Just make sure they know that this is the end.”

As protests rage on, it’s not clear what will happen next. Some think that this plan by Ford is more of a threat than an actual plan of action. Ford has made it clear, however, that he will move forward by any means necessary.

“This is the first step in a long line of cuts. We will not stop here. Students are a good start, but we have a long way to go. We must work to balance the budget and create stable living for the front-line workers of Ontario ,” he said. “In order to do so, I propose we deal with the mentally ill and the disabled next.”

About Tyler Majer 73 Articles
Tyler works out of Peterborough, Ontario, and reluctantly attends Trent University. He loathes deeply, while drinking often. The cigarettes will soon consume his life. Read his poetry while you still can at while reading his journalistic work at this very site. I would say that he would be appreciative, but that may not be the truth.