Jamie Scriber is a Trent student secretly living in a Lady Eaton College janitorial closet, out of preference. They often joke with their parents about it being fate for them to be a writer, given their last name. Jamie’s parents often joke back that they’re ashamed of them.

My mother called last week. After a long conversation about careful budgeting (I’ve only spent $287.45 on Sunchips this month!), how courses are going, and if I need any food (no, see: Sunchips), we got on the topic of how I spend my time outside class. She thinks I should join a group, be part of something, so I thought I’d start off small by going for the position of President of the TCSA. Except, dear readers, I am afraid, because politics can be horrifyingly boring. If politics were a monster personified, they would have at least fourteen tentacles, enormous leathery wings, and an uncomfortable amount of eyeballs. If you’re having trouble conjuring up an image of what this might look like, just imagine US Vice President Mike Pence in a press conference talking about the LGBTQ community and you’ll have a pretty good idea.

Politics steals childhood innocence and make the souls of adults wither. Anything to do with the political sphere should be approached with extreme caution and perhaps a very long pole. I would even go so far as to suggest wearing a bulletproof vest, as politicians are so often known for shooting off their mouths. But as my rapidly aging student body demands exercise, I am running for President regardless of the great risk it presents to my personal health. I will have to leap over the hurdles of poverty, illiteracy, and my own diminished attention span to take on the responsibilities of TCSA President, where I think I can really make a difference. Considering how low the bar has been set, it should be a cinch. Predecessors have installed socially-questionable benches, vetoed rights of free speech, and used group funds to purchase pasta to throw at Parliament members. So… there’s not much else I can do that would upset anybody.

This having been said, as part of my platform I pledge to petition the University to enforce casual Fridays on the stuffiest of professors. Some of us regularly show up to class in sweatpants and coffee-stained hoodies while they prance about in suspenders, dress pants and ties. You’re making us look bad and it’s rude! Someone has to do something about it and I intend to take full credit. If elected TCSA Friend, I would also, as you might have just noticed, change the title to something more appealing. “President” carries an unfavourable past, while “friend” is both shorter in syllables and much more approachable.

“Hey there, Friend,” one might say when voicing a problem, “I feel really bummed out about having to pay $1.90 for a small coffee when a medium coffee is $2.20. Can you help me?” And I would respond, “That is a valid concern, my pal. A small coffee has a lot less liquid in it than a medium, but is only 0.30¢ cheaper? This makes me upset too. Have you tried not drinking coffee?” And boom, a student’s problem has successfully been addressed, validated, related to and solved. Competition obliterated.

In summary: vote for me, Jamie Scriber, for TSCA Friend this Spring.