According to Nassau Mills lore, dozens of mythical creatures dwell on Symons Campus and sightings have ballooned since the designated smoking area opened to marijuana use. There are plenty of endearing creatures like the friendly gnomes who live in the Trent Vegetable Gardens and the wizard professors who grant miracle extensions on end of term papers. Some creatures are less desirable, like the army of goblins that scamper around in Nissan Versas needlessly issuing parking tickets. The most spellbinding creature lives deep in the Lady Eaton Drumlin. Whether you know her or not, she's Trent's sentinel. She's the lone witness to many first-year couples making out on the lookout bench, and she sees the future. Her name is Dreema the Drumlin Diviner.

Dreema keeps to herself and rarely leaves the Drumlin, only to stock up on baggy purple pants and patchouli incense from Tribal Voices. Unlike traditional fortune telling, Dreema the Drumlin Diviner can tell everything about your past, present and future simply by knowing your major. Recently her visions have been so compelling that she asked me to share her gift with Arthur Newspaper. Here’s what she told me…

Biology 

You came to Trent because you saw an image on the website of students standing in Jackson creek wearing hip waders. You swallowed your disappointment when you realized that BIOL-1500 has 395 students and the biology department has only three pairs of hip waders. But later in life, you try out a pair of assless chaps and it kind of feels the same. In the future, you work contracts for the MNR where most of your time is spent on Microsoft Excel. Once you master the shortcuts for paste-special you realize that menial computer work has more to offer than the great outdoors anyway. To remind the world of your biology degree, you get a bumper sticker that says “I Brake for Turtles,” which is particularly annoying because it suggests that everyone else is swerving to hit turtles.   

Political Science

Your politics hit a fever pitch when footage leaks of disgraced Prime Minister Trudeau rapping X Gon’ Give It To Ya uncensored, at a 2003 McGill frat party. The federal leaders debate has the highest viewership on record because it’s broadcast through the Joe Rogan Experience. In his tried and true fashion, moderator Joe Rogan has each candidate slurp down their choice of “donkey juice.” It’s the exact stunt that got Fear Factor canceled in 2012, but the overton window has shifted. You become furious with the state of Canada’s democracy and the ill-fated first past the post system. After the SNC Lavalin scandal, Wet'suwet'en pipeline protests, the WE Charity scandal and the brownface scandal you swore that you would never vote Liberal again. But like any good poli-sci major, you’ve checked the polls and see that the Conservatives are neck and neck with the Liberals. Since the dismissal of Erin O’Toole, the PCs have leaned into populism by appointing the Toronto Chair Girl as party leader. To make matters worse, the local NDP candidate is in his late fifties and still eats sugar cereal for breakfast every morning, and the Green candidate commutes by bike, not for environmental reasons but because he repetitively failed his G2. You come to the devastating conclusion that the current dystopic timeline is marginally better than the alternative. You weep as you cast another ballot for the Prince of Rideau – Justin Trudeau. ‍

Cultural Studies 

You feel like a character in Euphoria, but in reality you’re more like Anna Kendrick’s character in Twilight. The pedagogy of cultural studies leaves you unable to casually consume media and you assume everything is a reflection of Foucault. In the future, you skip your cousin’s bachelorette so that you can rewatch all eight seasons of Catfish because you’re convinced her fiancé was on the show. Turns out, it was another Leonard from the Big Bang Theory looking guy. At the wedding, you make a dynamite reference to the 1988 Rob Lowe democratic convention scandal but your table just awkwardly nods because they won’t admit to watching a celebrity sex tape. You score your dream job: managing the sassy social media profiles for TacoBell. You are quickly embroiled in a PR nightmare when Radiolab reveals that Beefy Melt Burritos replaced Nutraloaf as the main food ration at Guantanamo Bay. You finesse the perfect recovery by posting a deepfake of Betty White endorsing TacoBell on her deathbed.  

International Development 

In your early twenties, you spent eight months working for an NGO in Ghana and it was transformative. While you were there, you contracted a mild case of malaria and had a quick recovery. Nonetheless, you talk about it incessantly because malaria sounds extreme to people that know nothing about it. You built lifelong friendships with the local people and you had the best of intentions when you promised to stay in touch. But now your game of email tag is fizzling. Although you were determined to go back to Ghana after your degree, you become significantly less political so you use your vacation days to go to Great Wolf Lodge. After graduation, you work for Operation Christmas Child, helping Canadian students send gel pens and holographic duotangs to children in West Africa. For the rest of your life, at every dinner party you attend, you casually mention that you survived malaria.

Trent students are indebted to Dreema the Drumlin Diviner and her promising prophecies. She wants students to beware of false prophets for they too lurk across Symons. On campus tours, they’ll boast about Trent’s wetland preservation while failing to mention the parking lot you’re all standing on was once a wetland itself and the home to a now-endangered toad. We at Arthur Newspaper wish Dreema the Drumlin Diviner a peaceful winter tucked away in the Lady Eaton pine grove and we look forward to her next spell of visions!