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The Faryon Bridge at Trent University during the Winter 2021 Holiday Season. Photo Credit: Rishabh Joshi

Top 10 Christmas Songs Ranked By Someone With Zero Authority To Judge Them

Written by
Madison Marvin
and
and
December 6, 2022
Top 10 Christmas Songs Ranked By Someone With Zero Authority To Judge Them
The Faryon Bridge at Trent University during the Winter 2021 Holiday Season. Photo Credit: Rishabh Joshi

10. "The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong

This song is unnecessarily sad, and like, barely about Christmas. Like okay, the kid wants to get new shoes for his dying mother on Christmas. Save it for your GoFundMe page, kid. 

9. "I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas" by Bing Crosby

Thanks to global warming, we’ll probably all be dreaming of snow in the next decade. Imagine wishing for the frozen hellscape that is Canadian winters—the slushy roads, the biting winds, the black ice. Ugh. No wonder birds and retired couples migrate to Florida for half the year. 

8. "It’s Beginning to Look Alot Like Christmas" by ugh, Micheal Bublé

Just. Micheal Bublé. I’m sick and tired of him, and it’s only the beginning of the Bublé-pocalypse. 

7. "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" by The Four Seasons

How has this song not traumatized children all over the world? “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” It sounds like Santa needs a restraining order. 

6. "Baby, It’s Cold Outside" by Dean Martin

Okay, I know this song has gotten a lot of flack, but for good reason! It’s creepy, it’s weird, and there are boundary and consent issues all over. Like, “Say, what’s in this drink?” is… bad. It’s bad. (Also, the Bublé version sucks!)

5. "Last Christmas" by WHAM!

Despite the awful movie this song inspired, it’s not that bad. Like, objectively. Because I can be objective. I can. In case you don’t know the movie, basically a girl gets into an accident and needs a heart transplant on Christmas. The next year, she meets a guy and falls in love with him. But the guy turns out to be the ghostly spirit of the heart she had transplanted. They really took the lyrics “last Christmas, I gave you my heart” to heart. But anyways, the song’s also by WHAM! so, obviously, it’s good. 

4. "Santa Baby" by Gwen Stefani

Why is the singer so horny for Santa? Why is Santa basically a Sugar Daddy? Where is Mrs. Claus during all this? I don’t like the implications of this song. (Also, Bublé changes Santa Baby to Santa Buddy in his version. Dude really said ‘no homo’ to Santa).

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson 5

Again, what is with everyone just going absolutely feral for Santa? I know this song is technically about the mom kissing the dad dressed up as Santa, but to the kid, Santa’s a homewrecker. And like, I get that Santa’s like, kind of an authority figure and some people like that, but the man’s married for goodness sake! Like, okay, he’s got that beard and that suit, and he’s generous, great with kids, a self-made entrepreneur, an animal lover, providing job opportunities, and he’s got that sweet sleigh. You know what, okay. I see it. 

2. "All I Want for Christmas" Is You by Mariah Carey

It’s less about this song and more about that scene from Love Actually where that girl signs this song at the Christmas concert and the Prime Minister, played by Hugh Grant, is caught kissing his secretary. To a seven-year-old me, that was like, the height of romance. Also, it’s Hugh Grant!

1. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Frank Sinatra

I don’t know. I’m a sucker for playing melancholic songs on what’s supposed to be an obnoxiously joyful time of the year. It’s different from “The Christmas Shoes,” which is just sad for sadness's sake (See what I did there? Like the song, “be good for goodness’ sake.” Ah, anyways). “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” should be happy, it should be cheerful. Instead, it’s somehow more. The melody is mournful, but the message is hopeful, and the juxtaposition is just so memorable and meaningful. Okay, this is getting too sentimental for me. Bring back Bublé. 

0. Bonus - "The Christmas Song" by Alvin and the Chipmunks

AAAALLLLLVVVVIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Extra Bonus - "Carol of the Bells" by Ukrainian composer Mykolaleontovych 

A bonus for my friend, who hates all Christmas songs except for this one because it is stimulating enough to be interesting but also not too cheery nor full of meaningless well-wishing. 

“Listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra version and you’ll see it is objectively the best song.” 

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