Arthur News School of Fish
A Canadian flag on a flagpole. Photo by Pam Menegakis on Unsplash.

The Bowlcut: Every Day Extended to One Million Years as Election Season Begins in Earnest

Written by
Shawn Hinves
September 23, 2019
The Bowlcut: Every Day Extended to One Million Years as Election Season Begins in Earnest
A Canadian flag on a flagpole. Photo by Pam Menegakis on Unsplash.

It would seem that after an incredible four years of Trudeaumania and national unity, Canadians are faced with yet another Federal election. With the election uncomfortably close and terrifying in its prospects - like sitting next to a clown on the subway-, political groups on campus have come out in earnest to support the parties currently running to gain control of this country. Pondering upon the incredibly impactful consequences of this election, I set out to gather information on these parties and their platforms leading into the October election.

I began with the two major parties and their on-campus affiliates. I started with the Trent Liberals. Sneaking into their caucus so as to keep my convictions of journalistic integrity, I found that much of the meeting consisted of men and women barely covering up Blue CPC armbands and watching videos of New Democratic Party (NDP) platforms, quietly taking notes. Looking up from the large, 82” flat screen television graciously donated by the funding meant to go into campus health and welfare initiatives, the leader of the Trent Liberals kept pausing after every talking point and announcing to the group, “We’re going to promise these things, and then what?” to which the group replied in unison, “Break the promise and do what the Conservatives were going to do!” Rising out of their seats and cheering, the male members of the party quickly grabbed any women around them and marched them to the West Bank bus stop in front of the library and threw them underneath the passing bus. Chanting “feminism” over and over in a fashion I can only describe as Trudeau-esque, the caucus officially closed. Highly disturbed, I moved on from the group of campus Liberals.

The conference room in which Trent Conservatives were meeting for their election caucus was filled with pale, almost translucent white men standing around and fielding questions about where exactly the party stood on key issues and in which direction the party was headed, with the very real possibility of Andrew Scheer becoming the next Prime Minister. A cacophony of yelling, finger-pointing and a near constant mix of “Well, my father is...” and “My father bought me this” filled the room.

The higher-ups of the party, all publicly shouting racial slurs and epithets, were subsequently kicked out but quietly let back into the room. When asked about economic policy coming into the election, the party spokesperson quipped, “We’re going to give these poor, down-and-out two-percenters more money, and the poors will just have to quit their poor people jobs and become CEOs. It’s not that hard!”

Ending their caucus with a pledge of allegiance to Stephen Harper  Andrew Scheer and the devotion to basing Canadian economics on a single dying industry, the party split in two over ideological differences on whose eugenics theories were correct. Half the party left to find the booths rented out for the People’s Party of Canada’s meeting in the local Pizza Hut.

Satisfied with my research into the major players of this election, I began to wonder about the other political parties vying for seats this October. Looking for a laugh, I began by studying the campus Green Party. I looked far and wide and asked hundreds of people where the meeting was taking place, only to find that Party members were busy running throughout campus and in town spray-painting “legalize marijuana” on the sides of buildings and putting up anti-choice, “pro-life” advertisements on bus shelters. Some were even seen representing the environmentalist party by shreiking and proclaiming their love of the oil sands in a fit of erotic ecstasy.

Not wanting to poke a figurative wasp-nest of Elizabeth May fanatics by interrupting their dime-store conservative rhetoric, I moved on to the aforementioned Pizza Hut, where the campus PPC were meeting for their first-ever caucus. The six white men in the booth were guarded by a rather large Quebecer in a brown shirt next to a sign which read “Le multiculturalisme est une maladie. Pas de femmes, juifs ou non-blancs!” The phrase was translated in English at the bottom of the sign. Clearly desperate for any publicity whatsoever, the PPC members welcomed me into their group of sweaty, spotty white men. They all adorned stained t-shirts with the catchy political slogans such as the Supreme-style “meninist,” “I identify as an attack helicopter,” the ever-classic “Deutschland Über Alles,” and, of course, “Climate change is a Chinese hoax.” Entangled in several debates about the validity of genocide against Indigenous peoples, peppered with praises of Jordan Peterson’s “work” the enthralled PPC caucus spoke very little to me, intentionally ignoring the Fake News™.

Finally, hoping to reach out to all the participating political parties of this okay country, I spoke to the campus New Democrats, a group of young men and women made up of what appeared to be half of the campus Liberals simply wearing orange t-shirts, and half-idealistic young people wondering what the hell was going on. In the confusion, many of these NDP associates wandered aimlessly, often questioning aloud whether or not there was an actual election going on. Occasionally some white members would wander off to find the campus Greens, citing the rise of white supremacy and fascism as "a distraction" from other matters as a reason to abandon a party led by a brown man.

Wanting the opinion of the average Joe Schmo, all non-affiliated and undecided students interviewed appeared to have cavernous, sunken bags under their eyes. They shudder at the mere thought of this election, which having started mere days before has already aged most of us by ten years.

With any luck, before this election cycle comes to fruition, we’ll all die.

Arthur News School of Fish
Arthur News School of Fish

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