Aquarius

David Corenswet in Spandex

You calling Superman (2025) “the best superhero movie of all time” left a worse taste in your uncle’s mouth than your grandmother’s watered-down gravy. This prompted a Nolan-and-Raimi-based crashout, but in the face of this chaos, you kept a characteristically level head, which was pretty punk rock.

Pisces

Misgendering your woke uncle’s dog

Contrary to age-based stereotypes, your uncle has become some sort of liberal pansy, even wearing a pronoun pin to family dinner despite everyone’s familiarity with his identity. After offhandedly calling his snaggletoothed shihtzu a “good boy”, he told you that his dog rejects binary concepts of gender and requested that you “be open minded and kind towards Sock,” an ask that you ignored. 

When you both simultaneously reached for the potatoes in an effort to calm down, you started a game of tug-of-war over the spoon which concluded with a helping of mashed spuds being launched at his non-binary canine. Thankfully you restored the peace by letting him know that he forgot to wipe some of the potato from their eyes.

Aries

Sydney Sweeney’s “great genes”

It was a mistake to question why your uncle arrived to your grandparents’ house dressed head-to-toe in American Eagle. He explained that he has become a huge fan of Sydney Sweeney and wanted to support her because of all the controversy she has faced recently. Your attempts to argue that her ad was in poor taste were dismissed by his claims that she is doing “important feminist work” by being vocal about her interest in old cars. Surely eugenics can be excused by a nice pair of tits–I mean jeans.

Taurus

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is an infidelity anthem

You hoped that steering clear of politics would keep you safe from dinner table confrontations but you didn’t account for your uncle’s fundamental misunderstanding of a Christmas classic. His insistence that the song is about “a cheating whore who took advantage of Saint Nick and her trusting husband” left you wondering if this grown man still believes in the jolly old toyslinger and if his betrayal narrative has anything to do with his recent divorce.

Gemini

I’m not polyamorous, and even if I was I wouldn’t be the bad one.

We both know you’re way too social for your own good, and apparently so does your uncle. Your parents have relayed one too many stories you’ve told about friends you’ve known for three months (trauma bonding really does work) and now your uncle is trying to convince them you are in a “what-do-them-damn-kids-call-it” polyamorous relationship.

Not to mention, when you bring up all the people you don’t associate with anymore at the dinner table he’s getting the idea that YOU are the problem. Good luck convincing him that you're not the abusive one in the "definitely not sexually active ;)” circus that is your social circle. 

Cancer

He’s not the cloth uncle, he’s totally the wire uncle!

You finally decided to major in psychology, good for you! Except you made that one fatal mistake of bringing it up during holiday dinner, and now your uncle won’t stop rambling about what a misunderstood genius Harry Harlow was.

The poor guy thinks he’s reached the upper echelons of academia because he’s heard of a study that you were taught about in 9th grade. He keeps asking you whether he’s your cloth uncle or your wire uncle and you better give him the answer he’s looking for, or you're never going to stop hearing about how this holiday dinner is “literally the Stanford prison experiment.”

Have fun using your newfound psychology skills to diagnose whatever the fuck is wrong with him. Hint-hint, Freud’s penis envy theory doesn’t just apply to young girls. 

Leo

Elon Musk is the Daily Stoic and you could be too!?!

After somehow skipping the past seven years, your uncle jointly discovers Elon Musk and this little underground philosophy known as stoicism. He thinks the asinine “philanthropic genius’s” flamethrower is all the rage and that you should definitely check out this new book he’s been reading called The Daily Stoic. 

You should trust him, I’m almost certain it starts to get interesting on the 366th meditation of wisdom. It’s even got translated quotes from Emperor Marcus Aurelius! Oh and if you even bother to correct him on his new revered godlike figure Elon Musk, well you’ll be in a world of… slight annoyance. This is the spirit of stoicism right? Let your uncle be really annoying about something that was relevant half a decade ago. I’m sure he’ll be bearable at some point! 

Virgo

It’s hip to be on Rainbet and ragebaiting

In an attempt to relate to the youth, your uncle started calling himself unc and mentioned he’s taking an interest in Rainbet. Apparently losing everything at the casino wasn’t enough for this pathetic pushing fifty year old, because now he’s making parlays on how fast you're going to correct his politically insensitive takes with your micro-aggressive grandpa. 

In a futile attempt to ragebait you, he starts showing you AI videos of Donald Trump taking a shit on protestors and as he calls it “blowing the libs smoove off”. It’s totally not getting to you, but that spoonful of mashed potatoes sitting on the table is looking deliciously throwable right about now. Worst case scenario you can mention Bubba, and just how much Trump loves to “blow the libs smoove off.” 

Libra

ChatGPT won’t create a human hivemind, The Mold will!

Tech bros are all the same: always talking about “the singularity” and our future as AI-fueled cyborgs. Even your profs are all freaked about you cheating on your essays using it.

You’re more the traditional type: for you, it’s all about going into nature, finding a peaceful, dark warm place and breathing in The Spores.

If everyone lets The Mold bloom inside them, they can join you in shared consciousness. No more emdashes and hidden prompts in white arial text, no more of your uncle telling you about how ChatGPT told him his wife was totally in the wrong in the divorce: only the sweet, sweet embrace of being one with the black spots under your wallpaper.

Scorpio

It’s not your fault you can’t do the dishes—you have ADHD!

Literally no one understands you. First, it’s “rude” to look at clips of Subway Surfers during dinner, then you have to do literally nothing at all for like an hour while your mom says grace, and now you have to wash everyone’s cutlery.

And then this asshole drops a sly “oh my God, these people can’t do anything.” That’s a step too far. You’re already preparing your callout post about him. Wait until he finds out he’s blocked by both of your online friends.

Sagittarius

Biathlon is a real sport, no matter what this asshole says

It’s hard to believe someone can be so nakedly dismissive of another’s passion. You could be the next Quentin Fillon Maillet—you just know that. He says if skiing with a gun is a sport then he should get a gold medal for doing it when he was getting chased by the MI5.

The worst part is his giggle every time you say you’re a “biathlete.” You’re not bisexual, but you are armed, so he’d better watch his mouth.

Capricorn

No, “6 7” is not a numerological dogwhistle for being a member of the Illuminati

Your uncle’s kind of gone off the deep end since the divorce. First it was the COVID stuff, and now, he’s asking grandma if she used beef tallow and raw milk in her log cake. That was tolerable though, but now he’s gone too far.

First he was asking you and your cousin if “Matcha” was a secret code among deepstate agents, and now he’s explaining to you how Beyonce doing that triangle hand gesture was a humiliation ritual to get into Hollywood. Oh God, he’s showing you “Single Ladies” played backwards now.

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