Aquarius

David in Front of Camera

Like David whenever he steps in front of a camera, you will be free to use one syll-ab-le words for the rest of the month. Good luck when you try and tell your pals and kin. They might think you have a case of brain hurt, but at least cave man speak is fun.

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Pisces

Septum Ring David

As Septum Ring David, you will find a new love in smoking copious amounts of cigarettes and smelling bad in a good way. It’s hard to tell if it's the cigarettes, the stench, or your love of aluminum deodorant that’s bringing all the attention you're getting—the only thing that's clear is that you love it.

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Aries

Baby David/Being Born David

As Baby David, you will have a child-like outlook on life this month. Having just been born, you will not understand anything; also you’re bald now. Use this to your advantage. Be warned, you will be teething in the next 4-7 months. 

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Taurus

Overalls David

As David wearing overalls, you will go to a thrift store and buy more overalls. You will find an adult diaper in the back pocket of them once you get home, even though you definitely tried them on in the store. You won’t notice it despite the obvious bulk factor of adult diapers. Whenever anyone compliments your overalls, you will need to repeat this story. Accept what comes to you this month, whether it’s an adult diaper or the Ween albums that soundtrack your every move, or a nearly fatal respiratory infection.  

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Gemini

Shitty Hall David

Expect to know no peace this month, because you’re Shitty Hall David. You are entirely devoid of soul, running on energy drinks and spite for Jeff Leal alone. Expect to encounter some Kafkaeque levels of bureaucratic bullshit that’ll make you want to barge through the no-press gate and pull your hair out on the City Council live stream.

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Cancer

Culinary David

This month, put chilli-oil on everything. Don’t forget you have to tell everyone there is chilli-oil on everything, otherwise no one will know that you put chilli-oil on everything. People must know your palette is refined. Also, your sweat now smells like chilli-oil. It’s fine. 

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Leo

Jock David

Get sporty this month, Leo. Following the start of the MLB pre-season, you will find joy in starting arguments about how gay baseball really is and painting “GO PHILLIES” across your chest despite the cold weather. Bonus points if you’re yolked.

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Virgo

David as Computer

Being David as computer, you will start to notice that your reflection in your computer screen is just a computer looking back at you. This month, you will talk really fast and start making click-clack noises conversationally that you have no control over. Take no breaks from screens, your only tether to reality is the contact between your bum and the chain.  

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Libra

Lunch David

As Lunch David, you will find yourself easily influenced by Ian Vansegbrook and his insatiable hunger for asking about your lunch plans and when you are getting lunch and what you are having for lunch and if you want to order lunch with him and if you want to have lunch right now. This month, avoid him at all costs for the sake of your bank account. 

Scorpio

Anti-Woke David

As Anti-Woke David, you now wear camouflage very seriously. This month, avoid public transit because you now think it is gross. Make sure to wear a hat, hood and sunglasses at the same time in all contexts. If you stop telling strangers the “woke brigade” is out to get you, they’ll think you’ve let your guard down.  

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Sagittarius

‍Umamusume David

Much like the hit game Umamusume: Pretty Derby—David’s favourite mobile gacha game—expect to manage many horses, or girls, or horsegirls, or staff you’re slowly turning into horsegirls against their will through dropping premarin pills in Sadleir house coffee. It’s the Chinese year of the horse after all, so try slipping some subtle neighs into your undergrad thesis pitch. 

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Capricorn

Podcast Recommendation David

This month, you will turn all of your friends into communists through the revolutionary power of podcasting. It hasn’t worked when you’ve tried to convince them, but they’ll surely be more open to Marxist philosophies when it comses from two random people with a platform. Keep your head up if they’re not interested, it’ll be hard to hear their objections with your ears covered by a beanie anyways.