Dear Trent University Information Technology,

Why THE FUCK are you making me use MICROSOFT AUTHENTICATOR? 

I HATE IT.

Honestly, “hate” might be letting it off lightly. Being reminded of the existence of Microsoft Authenticator is enough to make me ACTIVELY SUICIDAL. I failed a class last semester after spending three weeks in the psych ward being prescribed anti-psychotics because seeing my chastity cage reminded me of the logo for that FUCKING. STUPID. GODDAMN HORRIBLE PIECE OF BLOATWARE.

It’s not enough that I have to endure Eduroam’s download speeds of one microbit every third minute (because it’s probably tracing my goddamn IP in the background) or that I have to use FUCKING. GOOGLE CHROME to access your GODDAMN MYTRENT portal because it doesn’t FUCKING WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE. 

I understand these breaches of my dignity, privacy, and freedom to choose a demonstrably superior browser or operating system are natural “character building” extensions of the humiliation ritual which is Canadian higher education. What I don’t understand is how you believe yourselves possessive of the authority to also CAJOLE ME into DOWNLOADING A FUCKING APP.

I mean, two-factor authentication was bad enough. For the longest time the only phone I ever owned was an old Nortel corded receiver that I ran on VOIP through the TOR network, and let me tell you, those calls took a LONG time to come in with the codes. Now you’re telling me that concession to CSIS isn’t enough, and that I have to buy a GODDAMN SMARTPHONE?

Who are you, Elon Musk? Does one of your Board members happen to have clandestine investments in lithium mines in the Congo? Besides the fact the goddamn AI bubble (which you are helping to prop up with your CoPilot integration, by the way) means that every phone now costs FIVE-THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS, you’re basically making me pay for the privilege of being SPIED ON by a MAGIC 8 BALL made of CONFLICT MINERALS.

There is not ONE GODDAMN CELL IN MY BODY that makes me want one of those things in my home, and now you’re telling me that EACH TIME I log into my FUCKING EMAIL I need to gaze into the little black neurosis box so it can cast fourth-level fucking DISSONANT WHISPERS on me? That I need to turn on push notifications like SOME KIND OF ANIMAL?

My therapist says I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder but if we’re being honest, we both know that’s a pro-capitalist fabrication to cover the fact you ambiently take 3d6 psychic damage anytime you’re not in a Faraday cage. (Because of the 5G)

There is not a single thing about Microsoft Authenticator that makes me feel in the least bit secure. I felt more secure the month I was in a polycule because my ex-boyfriend read Jessica Fern and I had to watch him have sex with his new “metamour” EVERY NIGHT in the living room on the couch I BOUGHT from the ReStore.

I don’t believe for a second that the trigger-happy megacompany with datacentres in the West Bank isn’t harvesting literally all of my personal information to use for experimental cyber-weapons, but yeah, go off about how no one is going to get into the email I never checked anyways.

OF COURSE NO ONE’S GONNA FUCKING GET IN. I CAN’T GET IN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

I understand that most of your undergrads have the IQ of a drunk sea cucumber and that most grad students have the ambient brain activity of a potato sack filled with bricks, but why for the love of God do you have to take it out on me?

I boot a fresh instance of Arch Linux BiOS EVERY DAY from an encrypted thumbdrive I keep on my person. I promise you I am not the one clicking the “HOT MILFS IN YOUR AREA” link for the third time this week. 

JEFFREY EPSTEIN sent EMAILS ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING to WORLD LEADERS from an UNSECURED GMAIL ACCOUNT. Please believe me when I tell you LITERALLY NOTHING I send from mdsade@trentu.ca is REMOTELY that level of serious.

What is the actual point of straightjacketing every fucking piece of your IT suite to the point of making it as obtuse as a Bethesda lock-picking minigame? Surely said aforementioned undergrads don’t take intuitively to that level of crunch.

Not to mention, of course, that making MY TIME logging into MY ACCOUNT more difficult does nothing to stop those drooling imbeciles from putting their password and credit card information into the world’s most obvious phishing scams. It really feels like you’re out to get me, personally, with this decision.

I mean, do you seriously think that this is going to stop anyone who knows anything about cybersecurity? I know six different Discord femboys who could crack your whole system without trying.

Do you know how many people have biometrics enabled on their phones? What the fuck does it matter if you install a secondary authenticator app on a device ANYONE CAN GET INTO if they show it a picture of your face?

I have to wonder, is this all part of some grand scheme to prevent me from accessing my account so that I might fail out of your miserable diploma mill while you continue to vampire-drain my wallet out from under me with tuition fees? If that’s the case, I’d at least respect it if you could answer honestly. What I’m sick of is seeing the FUCKING NOTICE calling it a “faster and safer way to sign in.”

BLOW ME.

Yours sincerely,

Marcille de Sade (she/her)

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