Aries

The Jock

It’s the last night of the summer at camp and the girls are all over you. You’re looking for Rebecca, who hasn’t shown face all night. You really need her to—and I quote—“hop off your dick;” it’s not your fault Laurie was making eyes at you all night!!

That’s when you hear a screech in the distance. You think it might just be a product of your tinnitus incurred from one too many football brawls, until you see a dead body… Rebecca’s! Before you have time to react, you’re being skewered alive like a good old campfire marshmallow.

Taurus

The Nerd

Thank God you’re still around. It’s been three hours (one hour of the film’s two-hour run time) since you and your unlikely crew managed to get out of your friend’s dad’s murder basement, and no one will recognize just how crucial you’ve been to their survival. Without you, how the hell would they have known how to read the killer’s morse code message!

With all the disrespect coming your way, you’re starting to understand why the killer wanted to make those ungrateful assholes feel a tinge of fear for once in their life. Maybe you’ll try to contact him to see if you can work something out together…

Gemini

The First Kill (?)

Were it not for that three-minute exposition shot, no one would even remember you. Just like how they never paid attention to you before now! Years and years of longing for beautiful Chadfrey led to nothing but disappointment. And now, he wants to take that stupid bitch Joanna to the year-end dance! He’s so vain he didn’t even come back to make sure your “corpse” was still there after shedding those crocodile tears over it…

You’re nothing if not the product of an all-male writing room, but I’ll be waiting for a legion of teenage girls to write lesbian fanfiction where you unravel all that sexual tension you share with Joanna.

Cancer

The Bear from Cocaine Bear (2023)

You, on the other hand, were surely the product of the mind of a feminist, and a genius one at that. To avoid becoming a mere caricature of feminism, a girlboss clinging to the most abstracted notion of “female empowerment,” you recognize the class treasons of other women who sold their working-class souls to become park rangers—the cops of the forest—and give them a sound reminder of what happens to those who betray the cause our foremothers died defending.

There’s still not enough feminist slashers, but your existence is a clear step forward for women all over the world.

Leo

The Scary Old Man who Might not Be so Evil after All

They say don’t judge a book by its cover, and that rule still applies if that book has a cover that looks nigh-identical to that of another book that keeps cutting your friends in half with a machete. Back in your days, there wasn’t much widespread awareness about autism, so people like you just became known as “that creepy old guy on the outskirts of the town who really likes antiques.”

If they took the time to understand you, our band of mincemeat-to-be protagonists would have realized that you don’t mean anyone harm—let a man have his hyperfixation, for God’s sake! As we’ve learned in The Substance (2024), old people are only evil if they’re women.

Virgo

The Guy who Warned the Protagonists to Get the Fuck Out at the very Beginning

Ugh, why won’t they ever listen! Every other month, some unlikely band of friends turns up to the decapitation village and act totally surprised when they, too, get decapitated. You wonder if these kids have so ruined their attention span by doom-scrolling TikTok that they can’t pay attention to you for more than three minutes as you tell them how much danger they’re in.

That’s their problem, though. You’ve got your cup of tea and your Danielle Steel (you’re a sensitive guy, alright!); all you can do now is hope that you won’t have to clean up too many blood splatters.

Libra

The Final Girl

No offense, but did it really have to be you? Every other character had some personality—the jock very clearly wanted to do some gay stuff with the nerd, the old guy had some kids to come home to, and the girl with the glasses could’ve carried this film into passing the Bechdel test. We get it, you were the stone-cold stoic one, the one who screached the least and ran the most, but you were also the least entertaining, sorry!

Next time, please come back as an old woman played by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Scorpio

The Bear Cubs from Cocaine Bear (2023)

Slashers need a little bit of relief, and your cute little snouts are just the break we need from your mother’s enactment of feminist praxis. More than mere d’aww-bait, you are living assurance of the survival of one of the greatest pieces of cinema of the last decade into many, many a sequel and prequel.

If anything, you are a beacon of hope for the horror genre. No matter how much terrible slop comes out of Hollywood in the coming years, we’ll have your little face to return to as a reminder of better things to come.

Sagittarius

Substitute Guy Behind the Mask

It might appear as though your presence is a subtle subterfuge to redirect the protagonists’ attention away from the real killer, but really, it’s all because of those damn unions.

Every three hours on the dot, the killer needs to take a half-hour cigarette-and-buttered-bread break during which you have to sub in, despite the fact that you’re not really an actor. It gives the executives a headache, and it means you have to spend twenty minutes putting on your killer costume and twenty minutes taking it off. You can hear the execs talking; they’re never gonna film in Europe ever again.

Capricorn

Deuteragonist who gets Impaled in an Unlikely Setting

There’s a point at which creativity in designing chase scenes begins to bend the very fabric of reality. It’s one thing for the killer to survive eight stabbings seemingly unharmed, but it’s another for a stop sign to somehow make its way through your chest without cutting you in half. 

How did you get up high enough to get stabbed by a pole with a completely flat end? Do you know the velocity you’d need to reach for that to happen? You defy the most fundamental notions of physics and honestly, I’m starting to think it’s a good thing you died.

Aquarius

Girl who gets Killed Four Separate Times

Your spine is broken in three different places and you’ve lost more than four times as much blood as your body is supposed to contain. How the fuck are you still alive?

Honestly, I don’t even care that you have a total of four lines that you don’t scream while being stabbed with a piece of broken glass, I’m just impressed that you’re still kicking. Who needs to introduce new characters when you can get four times the payoff for each of your characters by just killing them over and over again? Write smarter, not harder.

Pisces

The Hand that Comes out of the Lake All of a Sudden

Who the fuck are you? Like, genuinely?

I’m not sure if you’re a plot hole, the killer, or foreshadowing for a future instalment of the series. The killer never gets thrown into a river! Your entire existence is puzzling to me.

Also, your skin looks rotten. Are there zombies in this world? The setting of this world was never supernatural? Is it now? Who did your nails? They should not be falling off like that. Find a better nail salon.