This month, we delved deep into the popular subconscious, and have thematically peered into the future, relating whatever slobbery we’ve written to the Irish, but also groundhogs and pirates. Sit back, relax, and let our soothing, accurate augury, exempt from exaggeration present the future to you. 

Aries:

Birthday time! How are you my little prince(ss)? This is one of the only times that it’s slightly appropriate to make everything about you! I know every month we hear at the Arthur department for Horoscopes, Occult and Extra-natural love to glaze Aries for some reason, but don’t worry about that. May will come, and once more the sun shall set on your glory, only to reemerge another day. 

Speaking of former glories, you should try your hand at being a Paganistic Druid. Sure sure, St. Patrick’s legacy is muddled and it’s hard to say whether he was hip and woke or zealous and rampant with the inhabitants of Ireland, but whatever the case, you should go up into the Drumlin and pray to  the Old Gods. That or, if you’re level two or higher, Wild Shape and go get hit by a business major in a car with no muffler. 

Get your birthday list done, pretend to do enough work to settle your nerves, then kick back and enjoy the best day of the year: Your day.

Taurus:

Happy Saint Paddy’s Day ye damned idjidts. It’s time to show off your Irish pride by damning those Aries Druidistic Pagans. Now that it be springtime my pot of gold requires me to tell ye to go out to the pub and craic with the lads.  Make like St. Patrick and seal out the Protestants (or in other terms the conservative straight men that you should not trust with your drink) and make the night into yer own. Make sure you have a hangover kit to return home to as after the silly St. Paddy’s night comes to an end, you best not be leaving yer house fo’ another week once the post-drinking clarity hits ye. 

On another less Irish note (because we deemed Taurus to be the most Irish of the signs based on pure vibes) we encourage you to let loose a bit and not restrict yourself to staying indoors, even rainy days have their silver lining (and at the end of every rainbow a pot of gold!)

P.S I heard that Lucky Charms is a good hangover remedy (non-sponsored by the H.O.E department)

Gemini:

How are you guys enjoying the weather? I bet you sick fucks are loving the constant shift between winter and spring like the sadistic two-faced freaks you are. Just kidding, slandering you guys is just too conveniently easy according to all of the online slander we have encountered. But seriously though, I bet you guys are feeling all over the place and have been having trouble articulating yourself with all of the constant change going around. While the easy answer would be to lean into an alcohol addiction, it may not be highly appropriate to promote such a thing. Enjoy drinking in moderation to help ease off the tensions, and before you consider getting shit-faced this St. Paddy’s day, know that our crystal ball predicts that something terrible may occur. Thou wilt most likely trauma dump  on a boy of the frat community, and in turn he will think that you are “not like the others” and try to pursue you. 

Don’t do that unless you really don’t respect yourself. 

If you’re going to have the urge to purge out your winter depression then maybe just get drunk with some buddies instead. Unless you truly live for the drama, which according to outside sources is likely for your kind.

Cancer:

Are you done crying? Now that it's daylight savings season perhaps you can get out of your dreadful bed-rotting habits and go let out your childlike whimsy—go jump in puddles it will be more healing than crying about that winter situationship that the TikTok tarot readers “swear is your twin flame.”

Seriously though, you should try to move on and have fun with your life. Go to events, go to the bar (it’s St. Patrick’s season after all,) and don’t take any flings you may get involved with too seriously because at the end of the day if you think that you’ll find the love of your life at a Peterborough bar, then that's on you boo. 

If you do not fall into these Cancer stereotypes (congrats on that!) then we recommend that you spend some time by the water and less time being crabby. No one wants to feel your pinch of bad energy.

Leo:

Oh brother, here we go. Yes, now that it’s averaging 3 degrees Celsius outside you can wear that scandalous skirt and crop top that you’ve been dying to put on the moment you thrifted it back in October, but for Christ's sake at least put on a damn sweater, we’re not all trying to catch your cold just because you decided to be a slay baddie when it’s hardly even spring. It’s hard to be the center of attention when everyone around you has to self isolate because you will put on anything but some damn hand sanitizer.

Also, before you get wasted on Saint Patrick's day—because we all know you will—maybe once again consider not spreading your icky germs to everyone else, no one wants to nurture your hangover and potential flu. TLDR: the Arthur crystal ball begs you to wear a jacket

Virgo:

It’s a good time for us earth signs, am I right (co-writer and founder of the H.O.E. department Ciara is a virgo)? Now that the days are becoming longer and the grass is emerging from the heinous snow, that means that all of the stupid problems and worries that we’ve had don’t exist anymore! It is highly recommended that you go a’ frolicking down in the Drumlin and become one with the soil and moss. Fuck it, bring a bottle of rum and coke and throw yourself a little party and remember that Saint Patrick is not all that cool and that he is kind of a snake and that you are so #Non-Conformist for not celebrating this at a stupid bar with the #Normies. 

Libra: 

Hey slay queens, let’s get off Pinterest and put down the cheap bottle of wine and go touch some grass! You wanna be “Lana-Del Rey coded” so badly but you’re actually being “depressed degenerate coded”.Go talk to some people and get out of your romanticized echo-chamber of sad pseudo-deep online poetry. Addiction is so 2024 anyways. It’s time to get outside and make something of yourself.

Scorpio:

What’s up Scorpbro, *daps you up* How's the sports gambling going? Yeah, The Social tonight? *hits vape* Yeah I hear there are [ALLEGEDLY] hate crimes and roofies there, sounds great homie *Makes own hair look like broccoli* Yeah, that chick was chopped. *Disappoints parents* Nah bro, she likes you, who cares if she blocked you and stays away from you and tells people she doesn’t like you and you treated her poorly. *Suppresses gay thoughts*

Anyway, interpretive creative writing aside, read a book you doughnut. My God, put on an audiobook in the gym or something please. Also your numbers this month are 8, 17, and 54.

I don’t know what that means either.

Sagittarius:

Oh go play in the rain you silly goose. Go dig up some worms, play in the mud, maybe develop hypothermia. That’s the fun of it all. The best part is you can continue doing that after you’re done with university, as you will not get a job with your liberal arts degree.

Phooey that. For now, let’s focus on doing more than just creating outlines for papers, and actually writing them. Chat-GPT may already be a better writer than you, but you shouldn’t take that lying down. Stop vaping too. Your wheezing is making me uncomfortable. 

Capricorn:

What's up hogs? Who up grounding they hogs? Just wanted to say we really appreciate all the hard work you’ve been doing, sitting in holes and periodically looking for shadows. I would also sit in a secluded den if my shitty uncle Randy kept giving me Birthday/Christmas gift combos. 

At least that’s been doing wonders for you academics. 

That said, keep’er going. You’re in the home stretch. Only a few more months, grad school, and then you can comfortably work 40hrs a week until you die or maybe retire. Stay proud and straight, noble proletarian. 

Also yeah, Shamrock Shakes aren’t shit. It’s literally mint. Does mint really represent Irish heritage? Up the RA. 

Aquarius:

Howdy there sport. Hope you had a good birthday. Zodiacsign.com makes you guys seem obnoxious. Uses the word “special” twice in one paragraph. I’m sure that reputation doesn’t stretch to reality of course.

Pisces:

Avast ye Matey! Are ye ready to brave the squalls and terrible storms of Spring? Bring your barking irons to bear on the exam season rush. All hands on deck! Avast yer doom scrolling on the instant gram and TikTok. Let the moist, frigid winds of the Otonabee fill your sails. Beware of getting scurvy with it, and make sure to take care of your nutrition (hard tack, rum), and get plenty of sleep (with yer mateys? 😉), and don’t let this tumultuous world of barons and braggarts tumble your ship.

Also if yer tired of stabbings and alleged inappropriate conduct, quit yer dallying portside at The Social Venue and Junctions in town. The rowing club’s security is lax! Seize yer destiny, take a ragtag crew and a few bottles of spirits, and sail away! Far less likely to run abound landlubbers in the heart of the river. Also watch out for dams and other pieces of public infrastructure!