Aries

Your TA will not want to date you (and if they do, that’s not a good thing.)

We know it’s easy to get lost in their eyes while they talk to you about the submission criteria for your first assignment (which you really should start working on, by the way). We know about that time they pulled you aside to compliment you on your comments in seminar.

It’s time to be honest with yourself: maybe what captured your 3 PM seminar leader’s attention about you is less the way you puff out your chest while speaking to them and more the fact that you were one of two people who had done your reading that week. If they do make explicit advances at you, here’s an easy question to ask yourself before you dive head first into a languid illicit academic affair: Why aren’t they dating other graduate students? 

We’ll extend the same advice to them as we do to you—Find someone your age and academic standing.

Taurus

You won’t be the weirdest person in your dorm.

There are two kinds of nerds: the ones who think the (heavy, heavy, quotations on this one) “normies” will never understand anything about them and the ones who make friends in university. 

Ask your dormmates about what animes they’ve seen; you’ll likely discover that you are not the only one who has seen Neon Genesis Evangelion. 

There’s nothing wrong with being the friend who plays Hatsune Miku every time they get the aux cord. In fact, we’re of the opinion that no first year friend group is complete without that friend. People want to get to know your nerdy self, give them the chance to!

Gemini 

Choose a major

Tick tock, slugger! You’ve got a year. Sure, you can get a Bachelor of Arts and Science or something, but do you know how many jobs you can get with that? It rhymes with “hero.” 

Going to university is hard and scary, that’s totally fair. According to my divinations (https://www.zodiacsign.com/zodiac-signs/gemini/), you’re very adaptable. Be confident that at the end of the day, you’ll figure it out. 

Take a nice long stroll along the Otonabee, maybe get yourself a seasonal coffee, take in the beauty and majesty of nature, then make a fucking decision you twit. If you still can’t decide what to choose by the beginning of next year, become an English major. At least that way you can get credits for lying. 

Cancer 

Beat the shit out of your roommate

Getting along is great. Being level-headed, empathetic, and mature is awesome… But they’re 18 and don't do their dishes, you’re not doing anybody any favours. You don’t literally have to beat them up per se, but at the very least confront them verbally. And properly this time, make them look up from what they’re doing. Stare them in the soul.  

It doesn’t matter if they just got back from The Social, if their E-partner just broke up with them, or if their mommy will be visiting soon, they get like, 2 warnings, then clock ‘em. 

It’s not impolite to punch someone in the mouth if it’s good for their character. Don’t let any notion of empathy get you bulldozed. 

Leo

Protests are not dating opportunities.

Trent used to be a bustling centre of political activism in Peterborough, and while it’s not quite as radical a school as it used to be, you’ll likely come across at least a protest or two that you find worth attending during your first year. 

When you do, you might meet a baddie—a fine shyt, if you will—whose impassioned speeches might reach you to the South of your rational, politically conscious head. The impulses which might follow from this are what we like to call “inside thoughts.” You might not immediately be shunned for hitting on the organizer of a vigil for Palestine, but trust us, you’ll be remembered as That Guy for the rest of your life at Trent.

Make friends, meet people who give you butterflies, whom you can hit on afterwards—but please God, don’t flirt with people at protests. This is a serious occasion, not a drunken night surrounded by goth women at The Only Cafe. Don’t be That Guy.

Virgo 

You may sometimes need to be up before 10 AM.

Ugh! Awful, right? Attending Trent is your stepping stone into adult life, and that means no more mom and dad to shake you awake at 8:48 AM—you’ve got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

We’re very sorry to hear that you have a hard time falling asleep when you haven’t had your daily Discord debrief with friends, but if you have a three-hour lecture the next day at 9:00, consider scheduling the debrief before 3:00 AM.

That being said, we at Arthur have no interest in being the boss of you, so you’re welcome to experiment with the effects of sleep deprivation at your leisure. Or you could skip. Next year, don’t take any morning classes if you can avoid them.

Libra

Chill out bro

Don’t wear yourself out spending three hours on a discussion post. At that point it’s the teacher’s fault if they get an AI. generated response. Stop stressing about getting a 90 in every class, you’ll get stretched thin. 

And on that note, you don’t have to prepare massive notes for your seminars. That guy in your creative writing class wants to fuck his mom, and no, he hasn’t realized it. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. 

Allow yourself to keep out of roomie drama, you ain’t H.R. Also, this bears repeating from Cancer: your roommate can ‘accidentally’ drink your milk two times max, before you’re legally allowed to push them off Faryon Bridge. Some accidents truly do just happen.

Scorpio

Some people don’t wanna be your friend

Maybe they’re a loser, maybe you’re a dick. Maybe, you two are just different. You can’t force these things. You’re coming on way too strong. Let other people speak in seminars, and I know this seems a little counterintuitive, but try to be less ‘funny’. 

Whether it’s the hipster beside you in Enwayaang, or that one roommate that’s pretty blatantly depressed, sometimes you gotta just give people space. 

Speaking from experience, maybe don’t start the conversation by asking them why they are crying. It’s a bold maneuver, and must be used sparingly. Let things develop naturally.

Sagittarius

Your deepest traumas don’t make for great conversation-starters.

We see you in the Lady Eaton college smoke shack. The first step to building a friendship is mutual interaction—conversation. Hearing about the most painful thing your mother ever said to you doesn’t necessarily invite conversation, nor does it make you seem especially interesting to strangers. 

Be it at your very first proper college party or in seminar, the silence that your self-disclosure invites is not one of empathetic contemplation, it’s discomfort. 

Now, mind you, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t be emotionally vulnerable with your friends. One of the best things about university life is that you get to make lifelong friends with whom you can share more than you’ve ever before, and perhaps more than you ever will; just try to start by asking them their name or their major. The “therapist friend” isn’t something you want to be or want to turn anyone into.

Capricorn

No Notes

You’ll be just fine. You got this, dog.

Aquarius

Those flyers on your dorm posterboard aren’t decorations

We get it, Peterborough’s not a big city. It might seem like there’s not a lot going on when you’re secluded to your off-campus dorm, within walking distance of a grocery store, three fast food restaurants and fifteen weed stores. 

Don’t let that deceive you though: there are shows you can attend, clubs you can join, ahem ahem, newspapers you can write for, all one bus ride away! 

If you don’t want to become the hundredth person submitting posts about how “there’s no one cool in Peterborough” to @trent_crushes, you’re gonna need to put yourself out there. The world is your oyster! Don’t be a vegetarian.

Pisces 

The first person you’ll date is probably not your soulmate

It COULD happen…but uhhh, well. Nah. 

Have you ever heard of ‘As long as our love shall last’? I think it’d be good for ya to hear. There are many paths and many detours in this life, make sure you choose one that works for all those involved. And, if I may be blunt, one of the major reasons people don’t settle down when they’re young is because one or more parties aren’t mature… Basically, don’t plan your wedding within six months of knowing someone. 

Also, don’t make petty TikToks about each other after. You’ll both be embarrassed later on.